No lie, last week was rough. School was already stressing me out, and then Friday happened. Evangelicals with their ideas that you cannot have freedom unless you obey them (go figure) beliefs, forcing their fake morality on the world. To appease them, and because he has no humanity himself…probably why he gets along with them so well…Trump announced doctors should be allowed to violate their oath, “first do no harm,” when it comes to Trans folk.
So, that’s a long way of saying that from Friday to Monday morning, I was pretty out of it.
Part of the problem, I realize now that I’ve had time to work through it, is that, again, I’m doing this on my own. It’s like trying to teach yourself any subject. Sure, you might know little pieces of information here or there, but your education will remain incomplete because you do not have access to experts, and that leaves a lot to your own opinion. I am keenly aware of this because I was an autodidact before going back to college. There were so many holes in my education that I realize I barely had an education.
Yes, most IFS work is done on one’s own. But, at the beginning, I can see the usefulness of having an expert. Unfortunately, therapy is more expensive than college. So I will just have to do what I can.
One of the biggest mistakes I made last week was thinking that, because the work can be emotional, I should wait to do it on the weekend. I didn’t plan to stop journaling and meditating, but I thought the heavy work could wait.
In hindsight, I know that I should have stopped last Monday, the moment I was triggered, and worked through it then. Instead it became a huge problem. Had I been able to discuss my idea with an IFS therapist before hand, I’m pretty sure they could have explained why that was not a good idea.
I will keep bringing up the need for an expert throughout this discussion because I know that it would be faster if I could afford therapy. But, also, I can see there could be a danger when dealing with some parts on your own. Depending on your level of trauma, and I’m a 5/5 on the scale, any number of things could go wrong. One must constantly be educating themselves. And by constantly, I mean every single day.
Which brings me to my second mistake. I had so much homework right out of the box because this is summer school that I let my self-education for IFS slide. Again, I thought it could wait until the weekend. Like parts work, it has to be a daily thing. Reading, watching videos, listening to helpful podcasts (at some point I’ll list what I’ve found helpful).
It has taken me quite a bit of work to get to where I was just a week and a half ago. It has been a huge struggle, because I let it slide and, to be frank, my parts pretty much thought that we were just going back into the old routine of chaos. It was a little more difficult to calm everyone down after what happened last week. I’ll get there, but I think everyone is a bit more cautious now, and that will only make it more difficult.
Still, no suicidal thoughts, none of the parts I have worked with and who had unburdened seemed to be triggered at all. I think they were as nervous as all the rest, but those were not my struggles. Which leads me to further believe that this method really does work, even as imperfectly as I am using it.