This Time Next Week

On Wednesday of next week, I will register for the spring term. I have my courses picked out and all would be well if not for the sudden thought that I can be done faster if I only drop the Bio major and pursue English.

When I go for my Masters, it will be in English. When I work, it will be doing that sort of work. But, mainly, doing just the English means I am done by next year. I can, if I take Span 2 in summer, be finished at the end of the fall 2020 term. If I continue with Bio, I will not be done until the end of fall 2021.

Because it’s such an unusual dual major, I cannot go to my advisors to ask them. My STEM advisors will try to get me to continue with Bio. My English advisors will encourage me to do what’s right for me. I have no idea what’s right for me.

I just know I want out of here. I know I need to leave this place as quickly as I can because it is eating me up and destroying me. There is a constant stress that comes from being in this place where my ex abused me for the majority of our years together. There is a constant stress to live in a place that all I can do is keep it clean and must ignore all the repairs that need to be done. There is a constant stress of him having visitation and being here outside visitation times.

Most days I feel as if I can only do this if I sacrifice again. I argue that the sacrifice won’t be that bad because the science classes are more work than the English classes. But I know that this is not what I wanted.

There is no winning choice. Regardless which one I choose, I will have regrets. So I feel stuck. I’m stuck trying to make a decision of what will be best for me, and stuck trying to consider what will be best for my kids. And as soon as I bring my kids into it, I forget about myself and any needs I might have. I have sacrificed almost all of my needs for what I thought was best for them. And now I don’t know how to make a decision outside of that parameter.

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