Decisions

A few weeks ago, I thought I was nearly done with school. I thought I would be finished by the end of the 20-21 school year and that we’d all happily transition to life in SLO at the beginning of J’s high school journey.

Technically, meaning “on paper,” I could do it. 15 units per term with two classes next summer, and I could graduate in a year and a half.

Unfortunately, “on paper” ignores the reality of my situation. Single, 5 kids, no local support, old, tired, and suffering from PTSD which, unlike those 5 kids, is never going to grow up and move away.

I had the counselor write up the plan for graduating in 21. And then I spent the week considering it. This week was after being terribly ill for three weeks and missing three Chem lectures and one lab. I was practically living with the Chem tutor last week. And still I’m pretty sure I will find myself happy if I got a D on my last exam. I’m never happy with anything less than a B so you know it’s serious.

When I finally got home yesterday afternoon, I threw off my clothes and stayed in my pj’s the rest of the night. I ordered pizza for delivery. I don’t usually splurge for that. And I told the kids it was just too bad that we were out of milk and paper towels and whatever else. They should have told me before I left school (that’s why texting was invented, you know).

I fell asleep around 9, I think, and didn’t wake until my alarm went off at 5. Even then I dozed the next two hours until I had to get L to the eye doctor.

I spent today studying. It is 7:30. I’m going to go home and go to bed now. And all I have right now is 8 units.

That’s a long way of saying that I cannot fathom a way, short of dropping one of my majors, that I can get out of school until 22. It’s a bit discouraging because I will literally have only two classes I need that year. But they are both STEM classes and that means they require, for me, more work than all the other classes combined.

But I have to consider what happened when I was full time. I cannot afford another breakdown. I do not have any help, and I find myself in the same exact position this year I was last when I had my breakdown. I’ve had to leave therapy, I have no physical or emotional support. Everything is on me. To pile 15 units on top of that would be disaster.

With my new schedule, however, I found that I have time for an English class that counts toward my major and might be beneficial right now, it’s the novel writing class, I had been hoping for the short story class to be offered, but with my decision I think I will have time.

This also means I have time to do NaNo for real this year. I have a novel half planned out. It’s not the one I’ve been working on for years, but I’ve been neglecting that one anyway. Maybe this will give me a boost. The novel writing class requires pitching your novel, possibly formally, if I understand the description correctly. So it might be the push I have needed.

So, on that note, here is my NaNo page: https://nanowrimo.org/participants/renatawrites/projects I had to start a new page because I no longer have access to the information for the sign in from when I did NaNo originally a few years ago (before I left my ex). If you are part of NaNo and want to be “buddies,” let me know.

I guess that’s enough exhausted rambling for tonight. 🙂

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