I’ve never had that “Yesterday” The Beatles sang about. There never was a day for me when things were just carefree and ordinary. My life has been chaos and a mess since the day I was born. My life’s been more of a “Born in the USA” kinda thing.
Yet, for some unknown reason, when something bad hits out of the blue, I am still caught off guard. I can tell I am because my reaction is my usual reaction to fear, anger. And this is no little anger. At least not to me. I don’t hit people or anything, but I get really pissed off. Sure, I suppose we can justify it when a person is feeling threatened, but my anger scares me more than anything.
Since my breakdown, my anger has been nearly non-existent. Yes, I get pissed off at things, but it’s not like it has been. But yesterday something happened that scared the hell out of me and I immediately went into fight mode.
I realized that this is because I’ve had to fight for everything in my life. But it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with now when it happens. Maybe that’s because I fear that the one good thing that came out of my breakdown, my newly chill attitude, is slipping away and I’m just going to go back to what I was before. I never want to go back to that.
I try to work it out in my head, hoping that next time it won’t be so bad. For the next month, though, I’ll live in fear of every time the phone rings that the same thing will happen and that this time (and this is no joke due to the situation) everything will completely fall apart.
And that is the reason behind my fear. I will lose everything–again. And I can’t. I no longer have it in me to start from the bottom. It has taken my a lifetime to begin to crawl out and if it happens again, I am ruined.
I don’t like getting angry. I hate how I cannot control it. I have worked so hard trying to come to grips with reality and to let go of things I have zero control over. But, sometimes, those things I have no control over, hold complete control over me. They have the power to destroy everything I’ve fought for these past few years, and especially this last one.