I had to move my last post into drafts because when I wrote it I was high, but on pain. I know, I do wish it was something else, too. 😀 I hadn’t recognized it, which is a little annoying because I’d felt I was doing a better job lately. But I have been having physical problems, even had to use the electric wheelchair at Target on Sunday.
It takes me a while to take meds because I was programmed to avoid meds and suck it up. I’ve been doing better with the kids, trying to remember to give them meds when they need it instead of making them suffer through it. It just isn’t my first thought when the pain flairs.
I was thinking earlier before I had a chance to get onto WordPress and take down the post, which, if you missed it (Hooray, lol), was about fitting in and how I never have. There is more than I’d previously considered behind that.
Most of the ideas I have about myself come from dubious sources, mostly my mother, but a lot of them come from my Christian upbringing. They both tie closely together, not surprising when you really examine the Bible and see just how abusive it is. For example, my mother taught me that I was not worth loving by every action and word. The Bible told me that I was a filthy sinner who was fortunate god condescended to save me from my personal filth that was apparently present from the moment I was conceived.
It’s all garbage, and mostly I know that at a certain intellectual level. But practically speaking, hearing that for 45 years is not healthy for the mind, and, just like any habit you’ve had forever, it’s difficult to break and isn’t going to happen overnight.
Scripture teaches the already downtrodden to take comfort in the fact that they do not fit in anywhere because they are of heaven. This is supposed to be a comfort. So, instead of helping people who are feeling lonely because they don’t fit in, Christians throw this verse in their face and pat themselves on the back for being so helpful. It’s obviously about as useful as telling the hungry person that man does not live on bread alone. You can’t attain physical sustenance by eating a bible and you can’t keep from being lonely based on the idea that you’ve got some invisible friend hanging around you. I mean, that is literally crazy.
I’ve spent most of my life trying to watch others to see what it is they do that makes them “fit in.” But then I’m always disappointed that when they are confronted by another person’s trials, they don’t seem to know what to do. I wonder if it isn’t one or the other because I haven’t met many who can do both be a part of a group and still be compassionate toward those with serious difficulties. Do I have to trade that ability for the chance to belong somewhere?
Is the price I pay for seeing the evil around me that I just can’t have friends because most of the people I meet ignore it in order to keep themselves happy? I already know that’s not a trade off I’m willing to make. I’ve tried it multiple times but it’s never worked. Because when the bad times come, and I already know they will and they’ll be fierce about it, those people who accepted me when I traded my realism will not be there for me. And considering the rate of my problems (it’s scientifically impossible :D) those aren’t the sort of people I need.