I could probably leave it at that and anyone who has it can fill in the blanks, but that would make this a Tweet and not a blog.
I mean, the hell is up with my mind? Nothing is ever good enough. Which, when I have not spiraled into a panic, I can see the source of the thought clearly.
Let’s start with my mother, then move on to the church. After that we have teachers in the 70s (trust me, it was some nasty stuff) and, of course, society in general.
You know what, I wonder if almost everyone actually has anxiety. I mean, apart from my abusive and psychotic mother, and possibly the whole school in the 70s thing, we kinda all have these things.
Eff it all. Let’s start focusing on what we’ve really got. As for me, I got an A in Calculus in summer school (you just try that) after having a complete mental breakdown about 8 months ago. I’m also a pretty damn good mom now. Yeah, I have a lot to make up for to help my kids, especially S, but I’m doing it. Do you know how rare a true change in personality like that is? Lies within religion aside, it just doesn’t happen. Try that too, trust me, it’s not as easy as you think.
You can give yourself a pep talk, but it can take all of five seconds for that feeling to fade. And then you’re just sitting in your room, alone, in the dark, thinking about how the woman in the candy store obviously lost all respect for you once she found out you were divorced. Which of course makes sense because she attends Calvary Chapel and those arsewipes teach that there’s no reason you should ever get divorced.
But you are probably wrong. You’re anxiety is probably just telling you that because, honestly, that’s the sort of sick thing your mother would say if she was still residing in your head.
This was random because that’s what anxiety does to your brain. It pulls random and unrelated crap into your thought process then beats you with it until you can no longer function.
Note: I wrote this out last night in the midst of things for a lot of reasons. I’m posting it so possibly someone who reads and it might know someone with anxiety will get a better understanding of what is going on. It’s not as easy as “think positively” and “focus on the good.”